I don't know what I'm doing

Ok, so, we've been at it for a while now. Things have progressed (we all knew they would). Now we're having sex. A lot. My most overused phrase lately is, "Sorry, babe, gotta work late again tonight." Making up various lies about how we lost some people and I'm getting the workload.

Don't get me wrong, the sex is amazing. I guess it's just less of a fantasy now, which inevitably translates to more of a reality. I can tell my girlfriend is getting sad, although I don't think even she knows about what. I feel awful lately too. Instead of being able to enjoy this to the fullest extent, I'm actually feeling worse than ever. Now it's this constant worry everytime my girlfriend calls...it's like, I see her name pop up on my cell, and my heart skips a beat. I always think, "she must be calling because she knows." But really, she's just calling because she misses me and loves me.

My god, what am I doing? I think I feel the worst when she tells me how great I am, even when I get home at as late as 11pm sometimes, and I'm too tired to have sex with her, she still tells me how amazing I am and how much she loves being my girl. Man, I'm a jerk. I think I'm gonna have to make a change soon. She deserves someone who will be faithful, and I should be that for her, and I'm not. This is not at all what I expected (emotionally I mean).

-The Researcher

Things are going well.

The whole day yesterday was wonderful. We even had an actual dinner together, by ourselves. Talked about life and love. And, the best news on this whole post, at the end of the night, we went back to her place and kissed. We didn't have sex or anything, I'm not that far gone...but it went well. Anyway, I'm gonna go now, I'm supposed to meet relationship girl for dinner, although I doubt it will be as great as dinner with my interest. I'm actually dreading it a little bit.

-The Researcher

A strange thing is happening...

Ok, so, around my interest, I never really mention my relationship. I know it's crappy, but, not only do I not mention it, I MAKE SURE not to. But, the other day, I thought I'd let loose just a bit, and mention something about it, not even to my interest, but with her in the room. And, all of a sudden, it's different. I talk to her and she talks to me like any other person. She doesn't seem to want to be around me...I am making no further progress. On the moral side of things, this is good news, it keeps me from doing stupid things that I'd probably regret. But, on the other side of it, I WANT to make progress. I WANT her to talk to me. I WANT her. It's driving me crazy that she's being like this, and, I don't think it is just in my head. So, I have thought of a plan. Again, on the moral side of things, it's a bad BAD thing, but, on my side, it's a very good thing.

My plan is to stage a breakup. This is easier said than done. I have to appear to be broken up without letting my interest know that it's a ploy. If I tell her straight out, it will be obvious, I must spread disinformation to another co-worker who I know for sure will let it slip out around other people, mainly her. Also, the other tough thing is that, I have to keep my relationship girl from finding out that I said we were broken up, which means, she cannot ever answer my phone, which, by the way, must now be on silent all the time, because if everything goes to plan, my interest will be calling me, and I can't have my relationship girl asking who's calling. So, you see, it is a very elaborate and difficult plan, which I plan to execute starting tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I've gone of some kind of deep end, but, I don't really care at this point in time.

-The Researcher

The drive, and the moment

Ok, so, a yesterday, I was supposed to go to a meeting at work. But, the meeting was cancelled. I took a huge step (and I don't necessarily mean in a good way), I did something the crosses the line a bit more than anything else I have done. Here's what happened. I decided not to go home right away, because a few of my co-workers were going to a bar to see a band play, so, I went. That was normal, but, my interest had taken the bus to work that day because her car was in the shop. Yesterday was one of the first really winter weather days out, it was freezing, so, of course (I'd do this for anyone, I swear it) I offer to drive her home instead of making her take public transportation at night in the freezing cold. So, we're driving and talking, just us, and of course we start talking about more personal stuff than we do around our co-workers, but nothing super personal, just views and stuff. Anyway, one thing I did that I probably shouldn't have done (besides driving her home) was take the longest route possible, and prolong the time we have together. So, while we're driving, my girlfriend calls my phone, it's on silent, and I quickly covered up the light of my phone flashing before she saw it, as to not interrupt our time. So, we get to her house, and there was kind of this awkward, feels-like-a-date moment, and (here's the worst part), we sort of came really close to eachother and almost kissed.

That's definitely the farthest I've pushed this thing, and hopefully, as far as I let myself. OH! and on top of all of that, when she got out of the car and I drove away, I called my girl friend back. She asked what I had been doing, and I continued to respond with only half of the truth, saying the meeting went short, but that I had a bunch of other stuff I had to work on, which was a lie. I lied to my girl friend to spend time with another girl...alone. I feel really bad. This thing is getting crazy. That is all for now.

-The Researcher

My thoughts...and the beginning

If there is one thing you have to understand about me, it's that I'm not that guy. You know the guy I'm talking about. "I love you, I love you I love you!"....then ten minutes later he's screwing the next door neighbor, or the secretary, or hell....your sister. That's not the guy I am. I'm relationship guy. I'm the one who you don't have to wonder if I've cheated, because I haven't, and, due to my nature, never will. I can't have a one night stand because I'd be the one wanting to call the girl the next day and get to know her more.

I'm gonna stop with all this talk though, for a minute, and just ask some questions. I don't know the answer any more than you, I'm just actually asking. What makes an affair an affair? Is cheating having sex? Is it...kissing? Flirting? And also, how does it start? Is it that simple passing touch on the shoulder? The secret looks between two people that no one else sees? Or do you just decide one day, "I think I'll cheat today"?

Like I said, I don't know the answer to this. But I do fear that I am on strange ride at this point in my life. On the one hand, I'm SO in love with the person I am with, and I never want to hurt her. And, on the other hand, this kind of strange relationship with another woman is forming, but, in such a subtle way that I don't even know if it could be called a relationship. I don't even know where to begin except that to say that, when we're around each other, there is so much tension...and those looks...god those looks. It's like we exchange a secret eye contact for just a second, and, we're telling each other a hundred secrets that no one else knows in that one second...and then we blink...and we're acting normal again. My thoughts dwell on her face, and her words, and her every nuance. The guilt of which takes over my mind when I'm around my relationship. I don't know what to do.

-The Researcher

Research...

So, after I finish writing this blog, my research starts, for a story very much intertwined with real stories I've seen and heard, although a bit more realized (not in a good way I would hope). None of this makes sense to you in this post of course. All you need to know is that this is fictional. But, as with all great fiction, it will be presented with as much reality and detail as something really going on. From this point on, I will no longer speak of the fact that this is fiction.

-The Researcher